The disparity between what our society expects of men and women can lead to overwhelming stress on some couples. This is especially true for those in which the male has ADHD.

ADHD husbands often struggle with career success, while their wives’ careers seem to flourish. Indeed, it seems that everyone around them notices the husband’s shortcomings while ignoring his positive traits or strengths. Many non-ADHD partners, then, end up in the position of “enabler,” doing things for their husbands that he should be doing himself.

In addition, many people do not recognize how much effort it takes to manage ADHD symptoms and succeed at a job or career. So while society tends to recognize when women display symptoms of ADHD, it often misses the signs in men.

It’s not surprising that these factors can cause significant distress for both partners in a relationship, and may lead to divorce. Fortunately, there are things you can do to support your spouse with ADHD so he or she has the opportunity to live up to his or her potential.

Here are five ways you can help your spouse with ADHD:

Educate yourself about ADHD

The more you know, the better equipped you will be to understand what your husband is feeling and experiencing throughout the day. Consider joining an ADHD support group for non-ADHD partners or attending a session at local adult education classes.

Work together to come up with a treatment plan

You and your spouse should work out a plan for staying on top of ADHD symptoms at home, school, or work. Communication options, including honest conversations, joining therapy sessions, or even simple emailing or texting each other, can be helpful for monitoring symptoms.

Create structure at home

Both you and your spouse should establish rules about how chores are handled around the house, with special consideration for who handles what tasks. This plan could change depending on the time of day or week to avoid conflict or resentment.

Avoid power struggles

Your partner with ADHD often feels like you are making him feel bad about his behavior, even if that is not your intention. Something as simple as labeling actions (e.g., “sleeping during the day again so soon after getting up last night?”) can lead to an argument over what really happened. Instead, focus on the results (e.g., “Wasn’t it nice when we had extra time in the morning to relax and enjoy each other’s company?”).

Be supportive of his career

Because of the many challenges associated with ADHD, some men are relieved to take on a more passive role in their family life. But you shouldn’t assume your husband is happy about leaving work behind. Encourage him to explore jobs where his unique skills can shine through.

Conclusion

It can be hard to take on the role of a supporter when you feel like your husband has many unfulfilled dreams. But by following this advice, you will both be able to move forward and work toward a brighter future for your family.